Friday, February 25, 2011

Disco in the Middle East Redux

So, yeah. Libya is going insane right now. I mean it. RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Look out the window. See Libya? Yeah, batshit insane over there.

Blah blah blah, support freedom.

Blah, blah, blah, Americans are stupid and lazy.

You've heard it all before, right? There's no reason for me to continue bitching about things when nothing changes.

So, there's really no reason for me to bitch. Let's watch Libya and enjoy. Root for who you think is right. Laugh when people get hurt. Kick a puppy, and punch a kitten.

Be every gloriously evil thing you feel like.

Enjoy the suffering of those around you. Push them down when they ask for a hand up.

Simply, be a bastard.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011


There's something I hate...

Can't remember the name...

What was it?

Oh yeah.


In this instance, celebrities. Now, normally I don't have issues with the rich and famous. They stick to what they do. (Apparently cocaine, kids, and shoplifting.) I stick to my interests. (Hatred, teaching, and porn.)

Then I turn on the TV, and I see an a-lister telling me that if I only gave a damn, the world could be fixed.

I call Bullshit. I, in fact, GIVE A DAMN. Has this fixed the world? Is there a blissful utopia free of violence and poverty? Do puppies and bunnies wake you up every morning with song?


The world is shit. You know it's shit. I know it's shit. Nothing we, being unimportant people in forgettable sections of the world, can do will change that. We have no backers, no army, no resistance.

So why are there people who have more money than I will EVER have telling me that I need to fix what they're preaching about? How about you jackasses throw some of that money around? Fund a coup. I hear it's liberating. How about you celebs purchase weapons for freedom fighters? Pay for the medical costs of the INNOCENTS who have been wounded? You have the means, and the time. YOU FIX IT.

Have a good one.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I spent the whole day without remembering to update this. I have nothing prepared.


So, how about them cascading popular uprisings in Middle Eastern countries?

Friday, February 18, 2011

What do you say to these things?

Right. So I'm single. (Mainly because I'm too damn busy to date.) I've been with a few women, and had a couple of 'serious' relationships.

Contrary to my own inflated sense of self-worth, I am not qualified to give relationship advice. To anyone.

Why do my students think I'm the one to come to with their relationship problems? I get that I'm an adult, and thus know more about EVERYTHING than a group of teens, but GODDAMN is this annoying.

I grew out of my weepy emo phase TEN YEARS AGO. I don't like weepy poetry, and I'm sure as hell not going to play matchmaker. You may be asking, "Why not? It's harmless fun, right?" THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE YOU. You think teen pregnancy is bad now? How bad do you think it will be if the teachers start HELPING the ungrateful little bastards?

Don't get me wrong. I like the youth. I just don't trust them with anything. It saves time and heartache on my end. Sure, I've met some decent teens who I'd go out on a limb for, but most of them have THEIR HEAD SO FAR UP THEIR ASS THAT THEIR BODY'S A HAT. These are the same brain-dead bastards who bitch out their parents when the Internet's down.

So what do I do? I listen. I try to be supportive. I point them THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Why? Because I don't want their damn kids to be named after me. They're going to bone anyway, I just don't want it on my conscience.

Have a Good One.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wow. I'm really not good at this.

Sorry about yet another late post. (My Internet connection has been wonky. It's a technical term.)

So, I was cruising Google, trying to find something to write about. Checking out top news stories, that sort of thing. It just now clicked.

Earlier today I watched the second round of the IBM Challenge on Jeopardy. For those of you who only use the internet to catch up on your pornography collections, Jeopardy has had a computer on it, trying to win.

It won, twice. Not only won, but won against two of the best Jeopardy players ever.

You might be thinking something along the lines of, "But it's just spitting facts, of course the computer's going to win!"

You're a moron. Jeopardy is damn near impossible for a regular computer to win because of how the answers are worded. Most computers do not pick up on slang, puns, or innuendo. (Which is what a good deal of Jeopardy answers are based on.)

This thing won both times. When the totals of both days were calculated up, it stomped them.

As Ken Jennings said, when he lost to one of the smartest computers on earth, "I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords"

Have a good one.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Joy of Booze...

Ever sat, hungover, in front of a roomful of kids? I did, for the big V-day. I told all my class periods to read 5 chapters of our book and don't bug me unless it was important.

While I was sitting there, nursing my head like I'm a goddamn breastfeeding mother, I realized something.

There are some serious problems with the education system in this country.


NO I DID NOT JUST FIGURE THIS OUT NOW. The thing is, I always thought I was doing something to help. You know, being the cool teacher who actually gets them interested in the subject. The cool teacher that you could talk to.

But being the cool teacher isn't enough. Even if I get these kids interested in one subject, there's still the other six periods filled with mindless, regurgitated drek. The age of 'No Child Left Behind' has brought the era of ALL KIDS BEING PULLED ALONG.

If you don't get it, let me fill you in. Over the last oh, three decades, there has been a gradual shift towards standardized testing, and away from, you know, ACTUAL TEACHING. Children and teenagers are taught to spit up facts on command, and then forget them so that the NEW batch of facts can be learned, ad nauseam. Nothing being taught is of any practical application, aside from a few, non-essential classes.

World History was fascinating for me. I love literature, history, sociology. I still have no idea where the wiper fluid reservoir on my Azera is. That's the problem, too. Even if the kids give a DAMN about the subjects (and from my experiences, most teens think school is wasting their time. I'M INCLINED TO AGREE), it won't help them be a functional member of society, which is what I THOUGHT THE PURPOSE OF SCHOOL WAS.

I'm not a revolutionary. I don't want America to have to go through what Egypt went through (yet). School is boring, unhelpful, and honestly damaging to the development of our youth. I see it every day, and have almost been fired a couple times for trying to change it. It'll take someone with a hell of a lot more clout than me, and I don't see that happening.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Do-it-yourself Devilry

I know that this one's late in the day. It happens. Don't judge.

I've been thinking about supervillains recently. You read that right. Supervillains. Now, I'm sure there are some of you who, at this point, look like an aborigine confronted with a Jackson Pollack original.

Have you gotten it out of your system yet? Do you want to hear WHY I've been thinking about supervillains?

Easy. I think I can do it. The whole 'supervillain' thing. I think I'd do a damn sight better than most of the idiots portrayed in comics, movies, and TV, too.

Let's assume that I have possession of my own country. (Casvellia) I have a stable economy, an industrious populace, oh, and don't forget, MY GODDAMN LEGIONS OF EVIL. Now, I think that there are several things that could be improved, at least to the extant that I won't have spandex-rife crusaders knocking down my door at 2 in the morning. Let me try a small list:

1. Don't torture my populace. As a matter of fact, I think I'd make sure they all had free high-speed internet. Distractions to keep them happy. I need these people on MY SIDE. That way, when Captain Crusaderkins shows up, they'll hang him without my intervention.

2. My LEGIONS OF EVIL would not wear masks and have a strict training regimen, with an emphasis on marksmanship.

3. I would never show up to a UN meeting wearing a color-coordinated outfit. This never ends well.

This is just the ideas I came up with in 5 minutes. Anyone got any more?

Have a good one

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The time has come to speak of many things...

I'm a lazy person. This is inherently true. Especially on the Internet. None of you are my students (hopefully) so I don't feel that I need to go the extra mile.

Even so, this may come as a shock. I'm switching back to m/w/f.

What, nothing? I don't even merit a gasp?

You don't even care about the reasons, do you? Well, I'm telling you anyway.

I DON'T HAVE THE TIME. (Well, I don't have the time if I want to do this, my job, and still have an iota of a social life.) Besides, if I do a post every day you're going to start hearing me talk about the same things over and over. Nobody wants that, right?

Moving on...

I've been spending a lot of time on Http:// Lately. Mainly because the lists on that website are informative and hilarious. It really balances the surreal and the news-worthy enough for me. Where else would you find such reservoirs of knowledge as:

The 6 Strangest Ways Anyone Was Ever Mistaken for a God

There's many, many more. You can spend hours laughing your anatomy off at these. I'm probably behind the curve on this one, but I don't care. I just found this website, and I think it blog-worthy. JUDGE ME NOT

Have a good one.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Okay, I love a good sense of humor.

Adult store to exchange guns for sex toys until Valentine's Day

I'm not going to explain the article. Go read it yourself. I will, however, post a quick summary:

Sex store trades guns for sex toys.

That is without a doubt one of the greatest things I have ever heard in my life. Period.

Why, you may ask? It's the single greatest anti-violence ad I've ever heard. Screw love your neighbor, this is MAKE LOVE to your neighbor. I can get behind that. (Okay, bad joke) Seriously, though, it's a fantastic idea.

It makes me wonder what's next, though...


It brings to mind an inherent flaw with out society. The sex problem. We glamorize it with our left hands, and vilify it with our right. The last time I checked, sex was an enjoyable activity to be shared between two consenting adults. Nothing to glorify, nothing to demonize and hide. Maybe it's my free-wheeling upbringing, but I think that way. In my mind, sex should be like, going to a good movie. Something to be remembered, commented upon, and repeated if enjoyed.

Have you noticed that the people with the worst problems with sex are the people who never get any in real life anyway?

Have a good one.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Metropolitan Twinkies

That title has to do with nothing in this natural world. Alright, it has nothing to do with this post.

The horrible truth: I don't feel like bitching today. I'm mainly just recovering from the Super Bowl craziness. Also, how a certain pizza company almost killed me by putting mushrooms on my pizza. (I'm pretty damn allergic)

So...what do you want to talk about?



Let's talk about the Old Spice guy. If you don't know who that is, go look up the latest old spice commercials. I think that this is one of the best ideas for commercials in the last, maybe 7 years? They're hilarious. They picked the right actor, too. Isiah Mustafa has the ability to say the most inane thing with the most intensely serious manner you've probably ever heard. If you haven't seen then, go look them up. It's hilarious.

There, did I fulfill my requirement to speak today? Yes? No? Oh, why the hell am I asking you?

Have a good one.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Maybe it's better to not obsess...

This was going to be another article about Egypt. It really was. I was going to do another long-winded, self-righteous rant about how lazy and moronic other people are.

I decided not to. Don't get me wrong, bitching about humanity never gets old, but I think enough people are covering Egypt. I think it's time to focus on some other news around this blue ball of ours.

Let's look at some headlines:

Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl becomes big event

Sarah Palin files paperwork to trademark her name

Jaime Pressly pleads not guilty to DUI in LA

Woman charged with frying pan attack over dropped bagel

Hunter sues after failing to find elephant

Doesn't all of that sound of the same, nay, greater importance?! (If any of you said yes to that, meet me out back in five minutes. Don't wear a helmet.)

There are plenty of serious news stories going on in the world, as well as hordes of innocuous ones. Focusing all of your energy and attention on one small (albeit culturally significant) part of the world is akin to driving with blinders on. ( If you don't know what blinders are, use a search engine.)

Plant a tree. Grow a garden. Walk to work. SAVE THE DAMN WORLD. You won't do anything by Tweeting about HOW YOU STAND WITH THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE. I did this, and the only thing I accomplished was feeling completely useless. So I donated some money. Then, I'm looking into the possibility   of arming the protesters with molotovs and chainsaws.

Have a good one.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Disco in the Middle East

I know what I said, m/w/f posts. Well, world events have forced me to expand this.

Which world events? Have you been paying attention to the news, sucker? Egypt, fool! The Middle Eastern world is on fire, and no one seems to give a damn. Sure, you have the a-list celebs making a note of their support, and Obama's sending out a 'strongly worded' desire for Mubarak to step down immediately, not just in September, like he promised.

Call me crazy, but I think America might actually have to GIVE A DAMN on this one. I know our instant-gratification society may balk at this, but I do believe it's time to haul our asses up out of our computer chairs and show our support. There are people over there DYING FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN. When's the last time you even stuck through an argument?

Introspection is a beautiful thing. It makes you realize just how much of a DOORMAT you are when compared to others. Look at the news. THEY SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET IN EGYPT, yet people are still getting the message out. That's dedication. That's heart. That's not the dishrag ambivalence that occurs from having everything you need HANDED to you.

I had my students do a little exercise. (Did I mention that I'm a teacher?) I asked them to write down what they would do if there was a popular revolt in this country. Most of them only wrote about 3 sentences (sad in itself). Some of the better responses(grammatical errors intact):

"I would go get a gun and fight. The people deserve to be herd"
"I would watch TV until it was safe"
"I'd figure out a way to play WoW"
"I would burn it all down. The facist goverment of america is corrupt"

My favorite out of those is the one who couldn't spell fascist, yet managed corrupt quite nicely. It's obvious from these, and the rest of them, that the kids in my classes are divided into two separate camps:

1: The ones who believe Mad Max and Fallout are good reference works.
2: The ones who wouldn't care so long as their lives aren't affected.

I don't know why, but both depress me.

Have a good one.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

CSI, this ain't...

I took a look at my front page headlines recently (this morning), and saw an article about coroners. Now, I'm not like most people when it comes to looking up news. I don't care what the headline says, as long as it contains a keyword that interests me. This has some bad points, but primarily it keeps me from making up my mind until AFTER I read it. Keeps the mind sharp.

Moving on...

So, I was reading this article about coroners. It said that most coroners in this country are not forensic specialists. In fact, a good portion of them AREN'T DOCTORS. It's an elected position, like treasurer.

Does anyone else here see the merest problem with this? Maybe it just comes from a lifetime of watching crime dramas, but I always assumed that if someone dies, a full-on "tell you how they spent their last days" autopsy happened. Now, I find that Bubba from down the block feels up the dead because he got his FAMILY TO VOTE FOR HIM?!

Practical Application time. How will this benefit me? Murder isn't something I do regularly, after all... I could always get a job as a coroner. Apparently it's really easy and anybody can do it if they campaign a little bit. Hell, I've got enough cash for a sign.

Have a good one.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Testing, Testing, Run for Cover!

Another day, another 20,000 blogs on the internet. (I don't remember where I looked that up, so it must be true.)

I have decided to create my own. (Hold the applause) Wait, you say you don't know who I am? I'm Bill Caswell, fool! Owner and operator of this, one of the newest blogs on the internet (At least until tomorrow) IMPRACTICAL INSANITY. Here, I will rant and rave about things I read and see in the news around the world, or about anything else that catches my attention. (Luckily for all of you, I have a short attention span)

Ideally, I'm looking to update this m/w/f, so, here goes nothing. Give me a shout-out, my friendster is 

Look for future posts, and have a good one.

[EDIT: Yes, I know this is a Tuesday. Guess that means you should expect a post tomorrow, DOESN'T IT?!]